You have to put her in the right mood so she can do the work. As a guy,
you’re probably the one who initiates s*x in your relationship. It’s not
that your girlfriend isn’t in the mood or doesn’t want as much s*x as
you do— you’re just the one who rings the dinner bell 99.9 percent of
the time.
Why is that? “This comes from many things, but one of them is that women
are afraid that if they step out of traditional gender roles, they
won’t be seen, accepted, and appreciated as feminine being,” says
psychologist and relationship expert Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. “It also
becomes another area where she could potentially fail, and be
rejected—and most women are terrified of being rejected.”
But you can fix this, Thomas says, by creating an atmosphere in which
she doesn’t feel like she needs to be perfect. “You want to get her in
the mood—make her horny—but what does that mean?” Thomas says. “What you
really want is to make her feel like it’s safe for her to let go, like
she can surrender to her s*xual desires.”
Here are five tips to get her in the mood, so much so, that she’ll come onto you.
Start early
Seduction starts long before any clothes come off, notes relationship expert April Masini of AskApril.com.
“Women are a lot slower to warm up, so if you start their engines early
and often, you’re more likely to score later,” she says.
If you want her to be in the mood later, start foreplay (or, well, a
PG-13-rated version of it) in the morning, before you leave for work.
Don’t overdo it—the idea is to plant a seed in her mind and leave her
wanting more, not annoy her with over-the-top romance while she’s trying
to do her makeup. Keep it up throughout the day with a short,
strategically-timed text message or phone call, and by the time you get
home she’ll be ready to jump you.
Choose your battles
Arguments don’t make for a very sexy atmosphere (unless you’re in a
movie), so would it kill you to just let it go? “Being right is
sometimes the obstacle to being happy, and often the obstacle to
romance,” Masini explains. “If there’s the potential for argument on the
table, just ask yourself if this really is the hill you want to die
on.”
Obviously, if you’re arguing about something important—such as your
relationship—it’s another story. But if it’s just a heated discussion
about politics, or world peace, or pirates versus ninjas, then giving in
to her point of view, at least temporarily, will do wonders for keeping
her in the mood.
Help her de-stress
This shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it’s hard for her to get in the
mood when she’s under a mountain of stress. “When we’re under stress,
we’re primarily designed to not seek out pleasure,” Thomas says. “It’s a
survival instinct. Something is wrong, so we have to fix it!”
It sounds simple enough, but Thomas says the key is to help her
de-stress in a constructive way—not just help her check off boxes on her
endless to-do list. “If she says she can’t relax because she has to
clean the bathroom, that’s not necessarily your cue to clean the
bathroom,” Thomas explains. “It probably wouldn’t hurt, but once you’re
done she’ll remember that she has to clean the kitchen, and so forth.
It’s less about cleaning the house and more about helping her see that a
clean house doesn’t need to take priority over the relationship.” So
pursue that track with her— you’re happy to clean up once you’ve had
some quiet time with her.
Make her pleasure a priority
Be generous in bed, and you will find that s*xual success is yours,
Masini explains. “She wants to feel good in bed, and if she does, she’ll
want to please you—and have more s*x,” she says. If you haven’t figured
out what she likes in bed, you should make that a priority, stat!
Luckily, it’s as simple as asking her, providing you ask her when
you’re not between the sheets. “If you think she’s holding back, coax it
out of her by opening the conversation when you’re not in bed,” Masini
suggests. “That way, she’ll feel like the pressure is off.” Ultimately,
your goal is to have as much s*x as possible, Masini says. “It sounds
stupid, but the more s*x you have, the more s*x you’ll have. It’s a lot
easier for her to be in the mood to initiate when s*x is a regular part
of your lives.”
Pick up on her cues
You want her to initiate s*x more often? Don’t shut her down when she
tries—even if her attempt is pretty half-assed. “The first time, or
times, she initiates, she’s going to be nervous that you might reject
her,” Thomas says. “For the most part, women are not used to being
rejected when it comes to s*x, so it’s really important that you do not,
under any circumstances, give any indication that she needs to do it
better, or initiate more often when she’s in the middle of initiating.”
It’s basic behavioral conditioning, Thomas explains: She initiates, you
are super-positive about that, and she’ll do it again and again.
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