My wife and I have a wonderful and happy marriage. Over these last
several years we have learned from each other, grown with each other,
loved each other and fought with each other.
I still remember when we first got married; all the hope and faith we
had of being together forever, living happily ever after. We are still
living our journey towards “happily ever after,” however a brief
separation only two years into our marriage would challenge the strength
and foundation of our friendship and act as a wake-up call to how
difficult that journey could be.
The road to healing our relationship was paved with tons of hard work.
In any relationship, there will be times you just want to give up and
throw in the towel, however, I urge you not to give in too soon. You
will be amazed what time and self-reflection can fix.
I write this to you as a husband, to remind you that your husband is not
just your spouse. He is your best friend, your teammate and your
partner. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your
back.
These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you
probably don’t know are pushing your husband away and destroying your
marriage.
1. Being oblivious to financial matters.
There is almost always one person in a relationship who oversees all the
financial matters. Stereotypically this role would fall on the husband,
(though please note I said stereotypically as I am well aware that
there are many wife’s that take on this burden as well.) leaving his
partner completely oblivious to the state of their financial affairs.
This paradigm can lead to an unbalanced relationship. The wife could end
up resenting the husband for being too controlling or naggy around
topics of money and the husband could end up resentful of the wife’s
frivolous spending and blissful ignorance. It is unfair for both parties
in a relationship for one person to take on all the stress, risk and
responsibility that comes with financial decisions.
You are partners that have come together in marriage to build a future
and part of that is sharing the responsibility of building your
financial security.
2. Putting your parents or friends in the middle of your relationship.
Two’s a party, three’s a crowd. As single individuals it is a common
practice for us to share our troubles and woes with those we love and
who love us. This is not a bad thing; in fact it is completely natural.
So it is understandable that this is a common mistake couples make at
the beginning of a relationship.
The problem stems from the fact that our family and friends love us so
much that they will automatically go to bat for us, even if we were the
one in the wrong. Not to mention the fact that often it is too easy for
us to tell our “version” of the truth that depicts ourselves as the
sainted victim and our spouse as the heartless villain.
If you truly and deeply love your spouse, once you have vented all of
your anger and hurt out to your loved ones, you realize how silly the
whole thing was and it is much easier to return home with an open mind
and a calmer more forgiving heart. Not so for your friends and family.
You see, they truly and deeply love you, not your spouse. So it’s a lot
harder for them to forgive, much less forget.
3. Micromanaging him on the little stuff.
Remember that before you became one in marriage, you were two
independent people with independent thoughts, actions, likes and
dislikes. Marriage doesn’t change this. She likes coffee, he prefers
beer. She likes to sleep in; he gets up at the crack of dawn. These same
wonderful differences that caused you to fall in love with each other
can often be the very things that drive you apart.
At the beginning of a romance it’s all sunshine and rainbows. You
wouldn’t believe that your Love could ever annoy you… much less drive
you to the edge of sanity. Anyone who has been in any long term
relationship can tell you though that there is a point where you will
begin to fight about the most inane and pointless things; things like
him not putting the toilet seat down or the lid back on the toothpaste
or her spending all afternoon watching I Love Lucy reruns.
The easiest way to escape this spiral of doom is to remember that you
are both human and therefore wonderfully and perfectly flawed. As much
as your husband might be annoying you, don’t forget that you are no
peach to live with either.
Learn to have patience and understanding for each other. Compromise is
important but don’t compromise yourself out of existence; allow each
other “me” time where you can enjoy and express your individuality.
4. Not being on the same page on the big stuff.
Often, we can be so busy obsessing and micromanaging the little things
in our relationships that we completely forget to address the big stuff
until it is too late and we are blind sighted when our partner is not on
the same page as we are.
Some of these issues are the simple basic stuff such as life goals,
finances, when to have kids and how to raise them, politics, religion,
etc. While these may seem obvious factors to have settled early on in a
relationship, it is often not the case.
These topics can be very stressful and hard to discuss and most people
are very set in their opinions with no desire to compromise. Because of
this, when building a relationship, many people choose to ignore and
skirt around these topics in an attempt to avoid conflict. I urge you to
avoid this trap though because these topics will invariable come up in
your relationship; you may find that not only are you not on the same
page, you’re not even reading out of the same book.
5. Not trusting your husband.
If you believe your spouse is cheating, chances are that they probably
are. If they haven’t though and you continue to suspect or not trust
them they invariably will cheat on you.
Because you fear they may be cheating you will naturally withdraw
physical affection. Then, your doubts, fears and lack of trust will seep
further into your relationship and manifest itself by you snooping
through their phone, grilling them about every aspect of their day and
acting jealous and territorial in front of all members of the opposite
sex.
Trust is fundamental to a healthy relationship. No one can feel truly
loved in a relationship that they know that are not trusted in.
Eventually, they will naturally gravitate towards someone else in order
to find that love and trust.
If you have been hurt before by someone else in the past it is
understandable that you would have fears and insecurities. But if your
significant other hasn’t given you any cause to doubt them, be cautious
of punishing them with your fears caused by someone else’s actions. If
you are not careful, your doubt will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
6. Thinking that Men read minds
One of the main elements that led to the separation between my wife and I
was a lack of communication. There were times when I would say or do
things that would upset her, however being a passive person she would
bottle it up and not tell me. If you don’t share your hurt or feeling
when asked, you can’t ever come to a common ground with your spouse.
Which means you will never find healing. Don’t just respond with nothing
when something bothers you.
7. Not taking care of yourself.
Some may view this as a harsh, but I feel it is something that needs to
be said. Love and physical attraction are not the same thing. Most
people typically fall in lust before they fall in love. While marriage
can result from a deeper love of your personality, character and ideals;
there was still an element of physical attraction that first drew you
to each other.
Think back to the first year of your romance, chances are you would
never go out on a date without attempting to look your absolute best.
Now with hectic life, kids, jobs and the numbing effects of familiarity
it is all too easy to forget to put yourself first. This may manifest
itself in a few extra pounds, un-tweezed eyebrows and overused
sweatpants.
While your partner will still love you, they may not be as physically
attracted to you. Sex isn’t the only factor in a healthy marriage, but
it is a key stone in the foundation and it begins with you. Not only
because your partner may not find you as attractive, but because you
will find yourself less attractive.
Taking care of yourself by putting yourself first will increase
self-esteem; higher self-esteem translates into you feeling sexier.
Feeling sexier leads to sex which leads to orgasms. Orgasms raise
serotonin levels, reduce stress and will make you feel sexier which will
in turn raise your self-esteem. I think you get the picture.
8. Being embarrassed to share your se-xual fantasies
If you assume that most people do not enter into marriage prepared for
divorce or the death of the spouse, then I believe it is also safe to
assume that a common preconception accompanying marriage is that this
is, ideally, the only person you will be having sex with for the rest of
your life.
If this thought is going to have any kind of appealing nature for either
party, it is going to need more than just your love and loyalty. We are
all created as sexual creatures. It is that simple. And yet, our
sexuality is as unique and complex as our individuality.
You could possess all the carnal knowledge and skill in the world but if
you do not understand the likes and dislikes of your partner, you may
not necessarily enjoy new levels of intimacy in your relationship.
Your mind is your most powerful sexual organ and if you are going to
have a healthy, lasting and satisfying se-xual relationship you cannot
be afraid or embarrassed to share your ultimate desires and fantasies.
Sex can be one of the most open, exposing and vulnerable expressions of
love. It is not just your body that is exposed and shared, but your mind
and soul as well. Let your partner in on the imaginations of your mind.
Reflect on the 8 things and see if any one of them can be used to spice up and sustain your relationship.
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